Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
This will never not be funny 😭
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.