[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
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My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
💁🏻♂️
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?