If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Meth is short for Elizameth.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.