I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
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Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*