[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
sleeping beauty
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?