The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
You Might Also Like
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
This classic never gets old . . .
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.