ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
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*puts cutlery down*
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.