(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
You Might Also Like
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
BRO LMFAO
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.