Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
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My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
When news reporters do sports stories
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear