Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
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I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Is this a threat?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!