What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
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accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.