Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?