Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.