I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
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Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
This sounds bad:
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume