WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
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This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.