Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.