10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I get distracted pretty eas
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
how to market bottled water to dads
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant