I have literally never stopped thinking about this
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The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.