*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
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“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am