911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
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Lmbo
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!