I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
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If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Challenge accepted.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.