*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
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wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
“How’s your day going?”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”