I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
You Might Also Like
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.