I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”