dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
had to share :’)
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”