[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
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Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
next level snooze
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair