I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.