Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I like long walks away from everyone
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
thank god the sign was there
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
The 4 stages of a family vacation