My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real