My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.