reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
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My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
rapatouille
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.