I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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A new level of troll.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
$4 #usedbooks
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Sunday