Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
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king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!