I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
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#winning
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…