The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
saw this in a dream
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea