my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it