Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.