It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
You Might Also Like
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I need a headline like this
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered