“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
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every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.