Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
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The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster