That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
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Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Bro what is this
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.