Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
can I use a minion as a tampon
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it