If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
You Might Also Like
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Free him
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!