The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
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me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
barbara was highly relatable
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!