[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
me
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body