A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
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Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
so i’m at the stock market right
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”