I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
bury ourselves
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”