Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
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On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.