Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.