So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
You Might Also Like
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
incredible
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.